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Musings from Moyieboy ... |
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Be careful not to sit on your bunions |
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November 20, 2017 |
By Ken Carpenter
There is no more frightening threat you could
make to a kid than “ You behave or you will have
to massage your Grandma’s bunions!”
My own stomach still flip-flops at the thought
of it, even though as far as I can recollect
that particular strategy was never used on me.
It is a good thing too, for I would have hidden
in a bear infested forest rather than meet such
a fate. Heck, I still might.
As a child it seems that many families made
reference to the dreaded “Grandma’s bunions”. I
would shiver at the mere mention of them.
Besides being terrifying, in my mind it was also
highly indecent to throw Grandma’s ample buns
into any conversation. I was probably out of
high school before I found out it was an
affliction of the foot rather than the rump, for
I always made a hasty retreat from the room when
the subject came up.
A recent attack of the morbids came over me and
I decided to do a little research on bunions.
Don’t ask me why, for I have no sensible excuse.
I got on the handy dandy Internet and was
floored to see that there were over 36,000
references to bunion. Surely it was a mistake.
No it’s not, and don’t call me Shirley,” my
computer replied in a stern voice.
After panning down through the various
bunionesque categories I discovered why there
were so many hits on such a nondescript word.
Over half of the women in America suffer from
bunions.
Maybe you did not hear me.
FIFTY PERCENT OF ALL AMERICAN FEMALES HAVE
BUNIONS!
I am not making that up, though maybe the doctor
who made the statement is. Most likely not, for
I doubt if malpractice insurance covers telling
a big windy in a medical website.
Apparently women quite often want to stuff their
size 8 feet into size 6 shoes, thereby creating
the perfect breeding ground for the development
of a bunion.
Before going any further I should pass along Mr.
Webster’s definition of a bunion. “ An
inflammation and swelling of the bursa at the
base of the big toe.”
I was also absolutely delighted to find out that
bunionette is a real word, though I found it in
another website and not in my dictionary. It is
like a baby bunion, but it makes its home in the
little toe. I can hardly wait for the
opportunity to use it in casual conversation.
“Pardon me madam, but it appears you have a
bunionette.”
Smack!
“You make another remark about my buns buster
and I will plant my foot in your bunionette!”
Yes, educating the world about bunions may be a
tough process.
Carbuncles, on the other hand, would be pretty
easy to spread the word about. While it may roll
musically off the tongue, anyone in his right
mind knows that a carbuncle can only be one
thing. And that thing is red, swollen, in danger
of bursting, and so hideously ugly its own
mother could not look at it.
Not that they have a mother, but if they did her
name would be Mama Boils, for a carbuncle is
just a melodious boil.
I am sad to report that there is no such thing
as a carbunclette.
I guess if someone wanted to they could call a
small carbuncle Baby Boil, but it does not seem
wise to get on a first name basis with a
physical ailment.
Before you knew it you might be naming your
hemorrhoid Hank. |
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