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Musings from Moyieboy ... |
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Jobs you might not want |
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June 27, 2017 |
By Ken Carpenter
Ancient Egypt was juuust a bit of an odd place.
If you recently moved there and checked out the
local Help Wanted ads, you might be tempted to
run, not walk, back to where you came from.
Then again, if you had a weird streak running up
your backbone, you would dance a little jig.
Let’s take Pharaoh Pepi, whose 94 years on the
throne earned him the distinction of being the
longest reigning monarch in all of human
history. His longevity was credited by many to
his ingenious method of avoiding flies, a
strange declaration if you ask me.
Egyptian flies must have been possessed of
lethal skills as well as the hateful, filthy
talents we credit to our fly population today.
The newcomer may have found a job listed that
was described as a personal assistant to Pharaoh
Pepi. This discovery could have inspired the job
hunter to dance a witless little shoofly as he
made his way to the palace.
Once there he would have been welcomed and
shuffled off to a waiting station with the other
applicants. After a brief survey the losers
would have been led back the way they came. The
winners were then prepared to meet their new
boss.
They would find little pleasure during the
preparation and even less when they were finally
brought out to stand behind Pepi. All of them
were coated from head to toe in honey, serving
as what the Pharaoh considered to be the perfect
flytraps to keep him safe.
I guess it worked, and worked and worked yet
again, day after day for 94 years.
How would you like to put “Flytrap” down on your
resume under Previous Employment?
Actually, there could be a worse title an
Egyptian could put down on their resume,
especially if you were a doctor.
A stone slab found near the pyramids in 1926 was
inscribed with the following salute; “Iry, the
chief court physician, ophthalmologist and the
Pharaoh's guardian of the king’s anus.”
It is obvious that taking care of the royal butt
was an occupation held in high esteem.
That particular occupation, distasteful as it
sounds, led to a high standing among the court
and the commoners, especially given his personal
burial slab. No evidence suggests that people
avoided shaking hands with him during his active
"plumbing" years.
Another medical specialty developed in Egypt,
and after I describe it you will be stupefied by
the research necessary to arrive at such a
treatment. Ancient Egyptians were the first
known society to practice birth control.
I can’t imagine the subjects of this treatment
to be very pleased with this method.
A potion of mud, honey and crocodile dung were
crammed into the appropriate orifice. It was
said to be very reliable, and I don’t doubt it
for a moment. I suspect that half of the men who
were expected to benefit from this process were
knocked cold by a petrified crocodile bone,
considering that the, uhhh, brick layer had
already survived his job.
Another humiliating job to list on a resume.
Cranny Crammer may appeal to a great many of job
applicants, but how did they know they would not
be struck blind for viewing the holy opening?
I’ll pass.
Another job was basically appointed from birth.
Dwarfism, deformed ugliness and the status of a
giant were all guarantees of future employment,
probably for life. They became gold workers.
This designation of a workforce for the gold
business was really quite brilliant. How could
any gold be stolen if the loot was carried by a
dwarf, a giant or an ogre twin? Not likely, but
at least job security was assured for those
unfortunate souls who qualified.
The last job of many unmentioned skills to list
on a resume was not humiliating at all, but
highly sought after. Many things were considered
sacred in Ancient Egypt, and at the top of the
list were cats.
The feline princes were so revered that they
were mummified and buried in cat cemeteries.
They were accompanied by a bowl of milk and some
mummified mice, in case they got thirsty or
wanted something to slap around.
Cat mummification skills must have been in very
high demand. In 1888 a farmer discovered a
feline tomb containing an astounding 80,000 cat
mummies!
That kind of gives me the creeps. Considering
the possible evil spell abilities of Egyptian
mummies, who's to say that cat mummies would not
make you yowl, gobble mice, use their tongue for
toilet paper and curl up in the lap of a human
flytrap?
Well, I admit to being dumfounded were I to be
transported to ancient Egypt in search of a job.
I’d have to strain my easily flabbergasted mind
to come up with something that would not morph
into something horrible.
Sigh.
I guess I’d have to settle for a pointy-bra
maker. At least you might experience a little
spice in your life until they coated you with
honey. |
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