Ghosts of Christmas Past

December 9, 2011

By Debbie Edwards Our holiday season is upon us and festivities are in full swing. Christmas is right around the corner and for some people, that means juggling more than usual that can add to the already high stress load of everyday life. From higher utility bills, extra expenses for gifts and traveling, to making sure vehicles are winterized on icy roads, things can become quite hectic. For some people, it's not just an assortment of typical stresses that create a difficult holiday season. For some, it's the loss of a loved one such as a family member, friend or even pet through separation or death that causes distress. Whether it's the first Christmas or the tenth Christmas without a loved one, mourning a loss can be that much more difficult to manage, especially if the passing or loss has happened on or near that celebratory time of year. The grief overshadows the joy and by repetition, a once celebrated holiday becomes something to avoid to keep away the pain. Watching other families interacting together can remind us of the ones in our lives whom are no longer with us. Whether it's hanging up strands of colorful lights, baking cookies, or shopping together for each other, we are reminded of the time that was spent together that we will no longer have. Grief has no time limit. It has no standard or rule to live by. For each person, grief is as unique as their fingerprint and what can keep us standing still in the trauma of loss is the inability to adapt to change and create new memories that are just as enjoyable as they were before the loss. Life is continually in motion. Change is inevitable. But for some, each day is exactly the same. Time stands still and they relive the memory of their trauma over and over because they lack the understanding or peace they need to move forward. They still have so many questions and until their questions retrieve answers, nothing changes aside from the need to be free of the grief that binds them. Every little reminder of something their loved one enjoyed can become a reminder of their loss which transforms into a negative experience rather than a fond memory. Hanging a wreath or seeing a Santa hat can throw us right back into what it felt like to receive the news of their passing. So we avoid those things at all cost and reject what was once good because it became tainted by trauma. It's not the wreath that caused death or loss. And it's not the colorful strands of lights. It's not the shopping or writing out Christmas lists either. A single event changed people's lives. It caused trauma and pain. Remembering that they are separate helps us to keep the pain where it was, rather than to allow it to take over everything else that is good. If our loved ones enjoyed decorating a tree, then let's decorate a tree in honor of their life. If our loved one enjoyed baking cookies or playing Santa at the local shelter, then let's bake those cookies again in honor of their life. Yes, one event can devastate a family, or even community and it is tragic. But, that event can become something we learn from instead, rather than shutting down emotionally or burying our truths down into the deepest part of our heart where we pledge to never to let it resurface again. Eventually, those hidden shadow parts of our grief will receive the light it needs to help us understand how to let go and move on. We don't have to exclude our loved ones from festive activities because they have passed, and we don't have to shy away from acknowledging them as still being part of the family. We don't have to stop reminding each other of the light they brought into the world while they still shared life here with us. There is no shame in including them in our present day activities because in spirit, they are still with us. Our love continues. Our friendships grow. And we are invited to find new ways to maintain our bonds of love and friendship even after our loved one has passed on. So, when you see others celebrating the holidays, remember, it's all about perspective and there's many examples right around you that are a gift to allow you to enjoy it without guilt or shame. It's okay to be happy and find joy after death and grief. It opens our heart to receive the love and comfort we have been seeking from our loved ones who have passed. It opens our heart to people who are here in the present moment that can help us move through our traumas and find a way to smile again during a difficult time of year. In time, that joy will become the medicine to what heals a broken heart. With that medicine is delivered a message; celebrate their life, don't mourn their loss. And as you heal, you will find your path to a better tomorrow.